Dependent people..

Posted: July 18th, 2007 | Author: Don | Filed under: Wonder | Tags: abuse, assault, battery, dependency, dependent, spouse abuse | 10 Comments »

I have a lady friend, whom we will call D, who has a lady friend, whom we will call T. Now T is a married white girl, but separated for a little while now. (Not sure how long.) In recent months she started dating a large (6’1″, 245ish lbs) black man. Now this man has demanded that she date no one else, that she call him any time she leaves home, work, etc, and any time she is at a new location. He has threatened her with a gun, choked her, and has told her if he ever catches her with another man, he will kill the man and her. He keeps a REAL tight leash on her. He is still married and lives with his wife, and says he “will divorce her soon”.

Her friend D, as well as myself and others, have told her that it is not a good situation, and she complains about it all the time. She says she wants to break up with him, but she “hurts inside” at the thought and doesn’t want to leave him.

Recently she asked me to do a background on him, and in the process tells me that she had a letter from a court house giving him permission to leave an area while on probation to look for a job. When she “challenged” him on it, even though she had the letter “in hand”, he denied it and go mad with her again for “looking into him”. Remember, he has choked her and threatened her with a gun and death. One of her friends, a local (to her) cop, won’t even talk with her anymore because of her actions over this event, after he warned her that she needed to leave this looser.

So, I did the background investigation on him. I was not happy with I saw, but I also felt if I gave her the info, she would challenge him again, and that he may hurt or even kill her this time, so I told her basically that he was a bad person, which I think she kinda knows anyway, and that she really needed to dump him, change her email addresses, phone numbers, etc, and get a restraining order against him (based on the threats, choking, etc.).

She responds basically with “I just ran a local check on him, and he doesn’t have any record here. I think he is a great guy, and you all are just out to ruin a good thing.” Actually tells D that I can “Kiss Her A??”! Go figure. First she asks me to look into him for her, which tells me she deep inside herself knows that he is bad, but then when I tell her he is bad, she gets mad at me?

Now she is demanding the info (which I did without any fee, so there is no obligation to provide her the info) I came up with. In seeing her “profile” based on past actions and her attitude, I am afraid if I do give her the info she will take it straight to him and he will once again get mad and do some harm. She tells D “No, I know better than that.” then in another breaths says “I won’t challenge him in person anyway”. ANY way she challenges him could be bad for her I’m betting.

Should I share the, not so good, info with her?

10 Comments on “Dependent people..”

1 Junebugg said at 4:45 am on July 19th, 2007:
No matter what you do, she’ll do her own thing. Some women get hooked on the drama of a bad relationship. All you can do is be there for her when things get really bad

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2 Elan said at 9:44 pm on July 19th, 2007:
A true friend would tell her. You are only trying to protect her. She probably needs to see the proof in her face to believe it. You should tell her the info, but them tell her to leave him immediately.

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3 Dawn said at 2:37 am on July 20th, 2007:
It seems to me like she should be given the information. It’s the only way you can prove that you’re not just “out to ruin things” for her and this guy.

Unfortunately, as a friend, you can’t interfere in her relationships. All you can do is be there for her should things turn ugly, as they no doubt will.

She’s full of contradictions, and her actions say she knows that this guy is no good for her, yet she refuses to admit that to herself.

Give her the information and let her do as she will. No amount of words from concerned friends will change her mind.

Here via Blogexplosion.

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4 Laane said at 3:27 am on July 20th, 2007:
Well, I think your fears are grounded.
Next time he abuses her, call the police yourself.

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5 Administrator said at 8:21 am on July 20th, 2007:
Elan and Dawn, In my 20+ years of law enforcement and medical services (glutton for punishment!) when someone like this gets this kind of information they take it to the person in question and “challenge” them on it. In 95% or more of the cases where this happens, the person in question does bodily harm on the person that is challenging them. Often deadly force is used. That is my fear this time, based on his past and his record.

Junebug and Laane, I’m there for her, however I also live about 1K miles from her, don’t know her that well, except through my close friend D. IF I was there at the time of the guy going stupid on her again, I’d call the cops for sure!

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6 Debbie said at 7:44 pm on July 20th, 2007:
sooooo, tell me about this lady friend “D”……..

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7 ellie said at 1:31 pm on July 25th, 2007:
I would share the information. I would at this point do anything to get her away from this man.

There is a condition, Stockholm Syndrome , here is the definition on Wikia
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases, and bride kidnapping. The syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg, Stockholm, Sweden, in which the bank robbers held bank employees hostage from August 23 to August 28 in 1973. In this case, the victims became emotionally attached to their victimizers, and even defended their captors after they were freed from their six-day ordeal.

I think that your friend could possibly be suffering from a form of it.

It is nessecary she get away.

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8 Robert Mandrake said at 7:35 pm on July 26th, 2007:
I found your blog via Blogexplosion!

I bookmarked this.

I would really appreciate your opinion or comment via posting a comment on my blog if you get a spare moment

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9 Administrator said at 10:58 am on July 27th, 2007:
Robert, Robert, Robert,

Why do I feel you probably didn’t bookmark my blog (not that it bothers me either way) but that this was an attempt to get a link back to your website? I read the same post on several other blogs this last few days from you. Bad form dude, bad form! (Your link is missing you will see. )

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10 Andreea said at 4:26 am on July 30th, 2007:
Wow that is indeed a tough choice.
I think that first of all you should explain to her about your experience and about how she would put herself at risk if she went and confronted him. It is immensely necessary for her to understand that. Only after you repeatedly warn her of the dangers you should show her your information (I think it is way better for her to know exactly what kind of man she is dealing with).

Hope that helps.
Also here via BlogExplosion.

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